also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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