i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
