i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
