Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
