I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
