I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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