Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
