So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
love makes seman taste better
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can I color on your dick again?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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