Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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