If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
