i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
