Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
