I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
