I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
