my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
