Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize