hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
