my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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