My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
