Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
