No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
