He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
