Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
