Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
