shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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