my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
