i permit you to call me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
