I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
