Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I supernannyed him into submission
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
