3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
