I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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