someone threw a dead crab at me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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