Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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