Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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