dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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