You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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