i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
P.S. I can't hear my feet
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
