Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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