I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
