I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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