I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
soo... how was my night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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