she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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