the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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