wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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