new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
