i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize