I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
