well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
