It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
