Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
