thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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