Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
