Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
