You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
