oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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