WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
