I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
