my sisters under your porch take her home
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
