I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize