normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
