I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
